


Girl Crush

by PetalsToFish



Series: Jilytober 2019 [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, M/M, Peter Pettigrew POV, Pining, Tumblr: jilytober
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 00:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21026993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetalsToFish/pseuds/PetalsToFish
Summary: She acted like she loved Peter like she loved the others. That was the worst part, because no one could ever love him.





	Girl Crush

**Author's Note:**

> I've been playing with this head canon for a while. I'd always wondered what, besides obvious cowardliness, could send Peter off the deep end.

Anyone can see they’re in love just by the way James talks to her. 

His messy black hair falls in his eyes as he leans over the chair and plants a hearty kiss on her cheek. She throws her head back against the chair and smiles at him. She’s got dimples and bright eyes, practically perfect from head to toe. She was definitely the prettiest witch in school. She was tall, almost as tall as James. Not to mention she was kind spirited, always starting fights with bullies to protect the losers. 

It was really no surprise that James would want her. Witty and popular, with the loudest laugh in the Gryffindor common room, she made every head turn. James was a Quidditch jock with a talent for trouble and she was always the straight O student with a gentle heart. They were so good for each other that they were almost sickening. She giggled at all his goofy jokes and he pulled her into his arms whenever the world got to be too much for her. 

James is in love with her, and it’s tragic to see the mutual intimacy. 

Of course, Peter can’t help but watch. He’s always been the person in the background who observes more than interacts. He doesn’t have much to say whenever she’s around anyways, she’s so intimidating. Still, Peter’s always learned from watching others and he has a lot to learn from Lily Evans. 

Her plump lips. 

Her creamy skin.

Her long red hair. 

Her curvy body.

Her green eyes. 

She’s ten leagues above Peter in looks. James’ thumb traces the curve of her bottom lip and Lily touches his face with the slightest of fingers. He’s got his mouth on her soft skin, eliciting her happy sigh, the one she does every morning when she drinks her tea. Peter knows she’s happy when her hands glide up his jaw to pull him in for a real kiss. James smiles against her mouth and it’s absolutely painful to watch him love her. 

It’s just so unfair. 

Peter did not understand how the two of them even got together. It was like he just woke up one morning and Lily _ -gorgeous- _ Evans was laying in James Potter’s lap at the breakfast table with her hands in his flyaway hair. Peter had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Sirius told Peter they’d better get tuxes for the wedding. Remus told James to stop eating her face and eat his breakfast instead. Lily and James just laughed, as if Remus’ suggestion was absurd. 

Lily and James never stopped snogging. They kissed each other before class, during class, after lunch, and before dinner. Her lips would grab ahold of his between classes, like he tasted of the finest wine. They took their time kissing, acting as if the world stopped when their lips touched.

Peter’s world definitely slowed down every time he saw them. Lily smiled against James’ lips sometimes, like she’d never been happier. Peter felt a kick in his gut whenever he walked in on them in the dorm, James’ body covering Lily’s possessively. They were so caught up in snogging that they never even noticed Peter. Peter could barge in wearing a Death Eater costume and the pair would’ve just kept sucking face. 

Everytime he walked in on them, he walked out immediately to go lean against a window pane in the hall. It was hard to get the visions out of his head. It was impossible to forget the way her fingernails dug into his shoulder blades as he snogged her so feverishly. Peter could never forget how they moved against each other, like they were in love. He kept picturing their flushed faces, and the way she pulled him in.

Peter wanted to taste her lips, if only because he was certain they’d taste like his. He wanted to drown himself in a bottle of her perfume. He wanted her long hair and her alluring touch, because maybe then James would want Peter just as much. 

In all ways, she’d turned into someone that Peter wished he was. In classes she’d taken Peter’s seat, forcing Peter to sit at the end of the row as she cozied up between Sirius and James. Sirius loved and respected her, in a way he’d never with Peter. Remus treated her so adoringly, always bringing her scones during study hours. Peter was forced to play nice with her if only because he had too, to keep his friends. 

She was everywhere. Her midnight laugh would give away her presence in the dorm room late at night. She was a constant cheerleader at Quidditch practices. She loved James fearlessly in front of everyone. It was her eyes undressing James in public and her hands burying themselves into James’ robes during exploding snap. Peter had never wanted to be in her shoes more than when James whispered that he loved her over a cup of pumpkin juice at the breakfast table. . 

Peter could only watch as Lily Evans took the niche in the group that he’d been trying to fill since first year. She joked with Sirius, teased James with Remus, and made all three of his friends laugh in a way Peter never could. Not to mention, she’d become James’ right hand.

She stood where Peter used too. Peter wanted everything she had. He was jealous, he knew it, but there was nothing he could do. 

The only time Peter was alone with James was right before full moons. James would settle into the brickwork right next to Peter as they waited for a big black dog to appear and signal that the coast was clear. James had a tendency to make everyone feel like they were special, Peter included. 

“Wormtail, that cohesion spell you did in class today was wicked.” 

James tousled Peters sandy hair with one hand. It wasn’t the same way James ruffled Lily’s hair. When James ruffled her hair, he always let his fingers comb through to the ends of the soft auburn waves. With Lily it was romantic, and with Peter it was always nothing but joshing. 

Peter mumbled a thanks, feeling his cheeks redden. James never shut up, it was an endearing quality. While they waited for the signal, James was explaining the really cool rune he’d learned in Ancient Runes. 

James always got a boyish look on his face when he was excited. He wasn’t as handsome as Sirius or as tall as Remus, but Peter still liked him best. Janes has beautiful black curls that framed his forehead and he has some freckles on his nose. James’ glasses always slide down his nose and Peter loved when he’d use is pointer finger to push them back up. 

“Do you like Lily?” 

James’ question drew Peter from his most private thoughts. Peter pulled at the ends of his sweater, trying to keep the fabric from catching on his stomach rolls. Lily had a cute stomach, flatter than his. 

“Yes.” Peter blurted out when James’ head tilted at him, “yeah, she’s okay if you like that whole Popular Girl thing.”

“Popular Girl.” Janes chuckled and leaned into Peter's shoulder, “you have a different type you fancy, Pete? Perhaps a quiet girl?”

Peters eyes searched James’ face for something that wasn’t there. 

“I don’t fancy anyone.” Peter tried to make a joke, “besides, who wants all of _ this_.”

Peter motioned at himself. James looked as if Peter had told James that he was ugly, not the other way around. James shook his head and wrapped a supportive arm around Peter’s shoulders. Peter relished the five seconds he was entrapped in James’ arm. His heart rushed through its beats as James pushed his glasses up his nose with one finger. 

“One day Pete,” James said suddenly, “you’re going to find someone who can’t get enough of you.”

“I dunno about that.” Peter, once again, thought of Lily’s lips attached to James, “I’m nothing special.”

“Bullshite,” and once again, James was his, “you’re so clever at charms and you could walk into a dragon lair and make it out alive you’re so good at sneaking! I bet if you wanted to, you could sneak into Dumbledore's office and make it out detention free with the sorting hat on your head! You’re the best Pete, my favorite.”

“You’re my favorite too Prongs,” Peter said. 

James winked and ruffled Peter’s hair again, “Don’t tell the other two, Sirius will riot.” 

Peter spent the rest of the night beaming because he was James’ favorite. He’d never felt more hope that maybe, just maybe he could make James as happy as Lily did. 

In the morning Peter woke up to have his hope crushed by the weight of Lily sleeping in James’ bed with her fingers curled into James’ pillows. Peter traced the way strands on hey hair glowed in the morning light on James’ bare chest. He saw James’ arm around her waist, and one of her legs was tossed haphazardly through his. 

She’d never stayed the night before but after that night, she was in their dorm more than her own. Peter got no sleep and had zero peace, not with her laughing under James’ bedsheets. Of course, Remus and Sirius loved the new roommate. On more than one occasion, they invited Lily up for game night before James even could. 

Lily won over everyone with her pretty face and warm disposition. Well, she won over everyone but Peter. Peter didn’t want to like her, he just wanted to be her. 

The day James put a ring on Lily’s finger in front of everyone at a small church in Godric's Hollow, Peter realized it was over. He felt his heart sink as they kissed over champagne. Lily was dressed in a gorgeous white gown, looking right out of a magazine. James wore a tux with a bow tie that Lily kept using to pull him in for multiple kisses. Peter watched the happy couple take a photo with Sirius. Lily was alight with happiness in James’ arms. 

James chose Lily. 

He chose her long auburn hair. 

He chose her vanilla perfume. 

He chose her magic touch. 

All the things she had, Peter could never offer James. 

It made sense that his friends liked Lily better. She was smarter, prettier, funnier, and well loved by anyone she came into contact with. Sirius traded in cards with Peter to hang with Lily. Remus was gone underground, working for the Order, so Peter expected Sirius to want to hang out more. Instead, Sirius spent most of his time at the Potter’s. Lily and Sirius were as thick as thieves, both of them quick witted and full of family bitterness.

James loved them both more than he ever loved Peter but he loved Lily the most. He constantly proved his love with little things like flowers, date nights, and little notes written on the loo mirror. Peter wanted to hate Lily, he really did, because she had everything Peter wanted. 

Most of all, she had James.

Jealousy was a monster that, left untamed, could turn even the slightest anger into a crusade. Peter wanted nothing more than to get over the boiling hatred in his stomach, but as the war grew, so did his jealousy. With every kiss, every declaration of love, and the blue colored birth announcement from the Potter’s...Peter sunk into the darkness. 

Despite it all, she made it very hard to hate her. 

Lily called him Wormy and she baked him burnt pies whenever he stopped by. For Christmas she knitted him a matching sweater with everyone else. When her son was born, she let Peter hold him right away. He was invited over for tea and given dinner to take home to his lonely flat. Lily treated him like an extension of her family. 

When her family was threatened, she came to him. They both came to him. They begged him, because no one would suspect Peter of anything. Nobody expected anything to happen to Peter. Nothing ever happened to the loser who only got to be in the hero’s circle because people like James and Lily pitied him. They were only asking him to help because they didn’t know who they could trust. They were only coming to him as second choice. Peter had always been second choice to them. He’d always been a convenience. 

Peter was the afterthought.

“Be our secret keeper.” James took Peter’s hand persuasively, “do it for me, Peter.”

Peter stared at their connected hands. Peter couldn’t remember the last time James had touched his hand so intimately. For a moment he had a sinking feeling of regret, and then Lily’s hands joined the fray. She was smiling a watery smile at Peter when he looked up. 

She acted like she loved Peter like she loved the others.

That was the worst part because no one could ever love him. 

  



End file.
